This is correct: This post is not for everyone.
This post is only for those of us who continue to have bad relationships with bad people.
It is for those of us who feel that the same bad types of people keep entering their life and that, somehow, we are attracting the negativity despite the fact that all we want is a healthy, happy relationship. This post is for those who think we must have done something to deserve what is happening to us in our relationships. This is for those of us who just don't understand what we are doing wrong.
I thought the same things, too. I said, “Why does this keep happening to me?” more than once. I often said that the only potential partners I attract are those who are terrible for me. I seemed to attract people who treated me poorly and felt that I must have done something to deserve these awful people entering my life. It was difficult NOT to take it personally because it felt really personal. It was really hard to understand why I had to continue to suffer in my relationships.
If you are experiencing the pain I felt, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It is simply awful.
We take on a lot...we blame ourselves, we shame ourselves. We think we must have done something to deserve the treatment we receive.
But here's the news: We feel that way because that's what we were taught to think as children.
Somewhere, somehow, during your upbringing, you learned that you were both the source and target of your parents’ anger, blame, and shame. You suffered from traumatic narcissism. You suffered “micro-traumas” within a larger trauma of subjugation to your parents. You were required to become the object for your parent who demanded you take on the responsibility and blame for their bad behavior. As a result, you acquired the burden of chronic shame, resulting in the belief that everything is your fault. Everything is taken personally.
You are the source of all that is bad in your life.
But people like us need to realize that we've taken on way too much responsibility for the bad things that happen. We are still blaming ourselves long after we left the hegemony of our parent.
In fact, people like us need to learn there are people in this world to truly do behave badly just because of who they are. There are many predatory, narcissistic, and emotionally dangerous people out there who will take whatever they can get from whoever they encounter.
And while we were taught to suffer because there is "something wrong with us," there isn't. There isn't now, and there wasn't THEN either!
Your parent was your first intimate relationship, and that relationship defined how you will interact in all future intimate relationships. Poison the first, suffer the rest.
How to stop this cycle?
Realize this is happening. Become aware, pay attention, and become mindful. Realize that past is still present, and work to put the past back where it belongs...not in the present. Seek assistance from a qualified therapist to help you gain an objective perspective on your behavior.
It’ll take time, but it will be very worthwhile.