**Trigger Warning: This post discusses the intense behavior of coercive control and relational abuse. Help is available via the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 **
Olivia Wood, 29, had been in a relationship with Kieron Goodwin, 33, for less than three months when she decided to end the relationship. On the day she decided to tell Goodwin, she died from strangulation at his hands. Olivia Wood was found strangled at his apartment with a near-fatal dose of cocaine in her system, forced upon her by Goodwin.
In the aftermath, it became clear that Goodwin's behavioral patterns targeted hardworking, professional, empathetic women for relationships and coercive control. At his trial, other surviving victims of Goodwin came forward and testified about his patterns of abuse. Goodwin was sentenced to life in prison for murder and pled guilty to controlling and coercive behavior against Wood and three other victims.
Coercive control is a purposeful and systematic men’s strategy to control and dominate their female partners (Kanougiya et al, 2021). It is a pattern of behavior that seeks to strip away a woman’s freedom and sense of self. It is a form of domestic abuse that does not always leave visible bruises but can be just as damaging. Women must recognize the signs early to protect themselves by terminating controlling relationships at the first sign. What does that look like?
According to his former partners, Goodwin groomed and "broke them," leaving them confused, bullied, and financially drained. When they were with him, these women did not realize what was happening to them and were unaware that danger was mounting. The relationships all followed a familiar pattern, beginning with "love bombing" and then quickly turning abusive. Initially, Goodwin was lovely, doing little things to make his partner feel special. Then, he began to complain about being alone. Sometimes he described being in a mental health crisis, telling his partner that if she cared, she would be with him. He even warned that he would kill himself if they left. He preyed on their empathy, targeting women who “had their life together” and who demonstrated empathy and compassion.
Goodwin’s partners at first felt compassion for him and gave him money to help out. He would slowly isolate his partners, eventually cutting them off from their support networks. Wearing them down, they accepted his verbal assaults. At times he would ignore them altogether. Often, they were forced to perform unwanted sexual acts after finally giving in to his pressure. Unbeknownst to them, he was simultaneously grooming other women as backups.
Coercive control is generally defined as a pattern of behavior designed to dominate and control a partner, often including emotional, financial, and psychological abuse, as well as isolation and surveillance. It is insidious and relies on the victim's shame to prevent her from seeking assistance and leaving.
Do not dismiss the possibility of becoming a victim of coercive control. In fact, studies suggest that coercive control is more widespread than physical violence in intimate partner relationships. One study found an alarmingly high prevalence of coercive control, with 48% of women experiencing coercive control by their spouses (Kanougiya et al., 2021).
Moreover, coercive control is often underestimated because it involves non-physical tactics like emotional manipulation, isolation, and financial abuse. It can be a precursor or coexist with other forms of abuse, including physical and sexual violence. Above all, coercive control is a core component of domestic abuse as it establishes a pattern of power and control that restricts the victim's autonomy and will.
Remember, coercive control starts slowly. It can seem innocent at first. Here are some red flags to watch out for:
Love bombing with all the things that you always wanted from a partner, followed by the withdrawal of affection. Alternating detachment with loving behavior is used to keep you off-balance. You will want to return to that loving feeling so you over-function to please him. A cycle begins and continues.
Showing up at work or school unannounced. At first it can seem like he really loves you and is interested in spending time with you. It turns into his monitoring your movements and communications, checking your phone, email, or social media accounts, or demanding to know your whereabouts. Stalking behaviors indicate coercive control.
Asking to move in with you early in your relationship. Asking you for money. This is a first step to test your tolerance for giving him what he wants. Using financial control, he may restrict access to money or ask you account for spent money.
Gaslighting. This is happening when you feel "crazy" and confused. Your gut is talking to you. You suspect things but are told otherwise. They might deny saying or doing things you clearly remember, making you doubt yourself. Gaslighting involves manipulating you to question your sanity or memory, causing you to be more vulnerable, off balance, and thus easier to control.
Exhibiting angry jealousy and possessiveness. Be alarmed when your partner is angry about your spending time with friends, colleagues, or family. While often masked as "care" or "protection," jealousy and possessive behavior are about control, not love.
Making decisions for you, calling you fat and telling you what to eat, and telling you that you shouldn’t wear certain clothes…from what you wear to who you see, it is a red flag if your partner is criticizing personal choices or making them for you. Using shame control and manipulate you
Instilling shame by coercing you to do things you would otherwise not do, such as actions involving sex, drugs, or even participating in petty crime.
Threatening behavior and intimidation. Using guilt, shame, or emotional outbursts to control your behavior is a common tactic. Also includes threatening to leave you, or threatening to harm themselves if you don't comply with their wishes, threatening your pet, friends, or family, and destroying your property.
Following rigid gender roles. Insisting on adherence to traditional gender roles can be a way of exerting control and limiting your autonomy. He may also prevent you from working, citing that “women don’t need to work.”
Remember, coercive control is about power and domination, not love. It is imperative to recognize these patterns in your relationship. Reaching out for help and safely exiting the relationship is essential. Your safety is paramount. Confide in trusted friends or family or contact a domestic violence hotline for support and guidance. Make a plan for a safe escape.
You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and freedom - not fear and control. Help is available via the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233
Kanougiya S, Sivakami M, Rai S. (2021) Predictors of spousal coercive control and its association with intimate partner violence evidence from National Family Health Survey-4 (2015-2016) India. BMC Public Health. Nov 29;21(1):2185. doi: 10.1186/s12889-021-12232-3. PMID: 34844591; PMCID: PMC8628403.