Lies are meant to manipulate and it is NEVER okay to lie. Never.
Lying or deceiving someone by withholding information is pure manipulation and it violates the most basic of human rights. Lies prevent free will and choice, and decides for the victim their reality, perceptions, and experience.
It is exactly for these reasons that the abuser lies: He is intent on manipulation to cover his bad behavior. He cares nothing for the other's feelings, free will or rights, and lies to control his environment so that HE has free will. He alters the victim's reality, controls their perceptions, and manages their experience to put them in a weak position.
This weak and "man down" position means that the liar can do whatever he wants without being found out.
Lies can concern infidelity, money, crime, gambling, jobs, and addiction.v Watch out for these red flags that lies may be afoot:
- Changes the subject. Pay attention to quickly changing topics of discussion or refusing to discuss certain topics.
- Becomes defensive. What is your partner's emotional reaction and tone to a simple question? Anger, blame, or implying you are a jerk for asking the question may indicate deception. Something is up!
- Insists on handling things himself. Warning bells should go off if you are not allowed to see credit card statements, bills, phone records, and finances. Suddenly locking a cellphone is another sign. Are his spending habits putting you at risk? Are creditors pursuing him?
- Lies to others. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Willingness to lie to others means they'll have no qualms about lying to you. Lying to the IRS, on a financial application, or to his boss are red flags. Notice if the liar becomes excited if they deceive someone else.
- The parents lie. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The liar learned from the best, and will carry on the family tradition.
- Incongruity. This means that deception may be happening right before your eyes. For example, why does your boyfriend drive a minivan? That doesn't make sense: perhaps he is leading a double life. How can he afford to travel when he doesn't have a job? Maybe credit cards are financing his lavish lifestyle, or another woman is supporting him.
- It feels like a lie. Trust your instincts. Always. "My cellphone was dead" or "I didn't have service" is a common lie. With today's technology this is highly unlikely, especially if it happens more than once.
- A sudden change in behavior. A common situation I've heard is the new office mate who is "just a friend." Are they are texting back and forth at night? Red flag. Others include lots of overtime but no additional pay. Coming home and heading straight to the shower. Working out more frequently than usual, or with a new training partner is a red flag.
- Keeping secrets. Deleting phone numbers from recent calls. Does he quickly shut down the computer when you come into the room? Leave the room to talk on the phone? Gets mad when you ask him why your car seat position has changed? Maybe another woman has been sitting in your seat!
Small things add up. Listen to your gut.
If you feel you are being lied to, you probably are.