Abusive narcissistic men are increasingly prevalent and, for women, their character disturbance is one of the most pressing relational problems of our time. Women who seek to partner with or who are already partnered with a man must be aware of this phenomenon so they may identify, understand, and avoid becoming involved with the abusive narcissist, or get out of the relationship while they can.
Avoiding abusive narcissists is crucial to preserving your emotional and physical health. It can be emotionally traumatic to survive a relationship with an abusive narcissist, and it is physically dangerous to engage in a relationship with an abusive narcissist because you risk acquiring a sexually transmitted disease and becoming a victim of physical or sexual abuse. Your life may depend upon correctly and quickly identifying the abusive narcissist.
The hallmark of the abusive narcissist is manipulation motivated by the desire to simultaneously get what he wants while he manages your impressions of him. He wants to take whatever he wants (sex with other women, your money, your resources) without you finding out, and without losing his place on your pedestal (without you discovering what a jerk he is and kicking him to the curb). He wants you in the dark, ignorant, and unaware because this will allow him to operate unencumbered without any troublesome arguments, accusations, or questions.
While your chemistry with him might be overpowering, it is impossible to form a healthy intimate relationship with the abusive narcissist. He avoids at all costs allowing you to really know him because then, in his mind, you will have an interpersonal advantage over him. He will work very hard to maintain a one-up, one-down relationship and preserve his leverage over you.
Do not make the mistake of believing that if he just knew “true love” he would change. He has a personality disturbance that is intense, enduring, inflexible and intractable. His personality interferes with building honest, healthy intimate relationships.
You must understand that he is completely aware, in control, and knows exactly what he is doing. He simply disagrees that his behavior is wrong; in his mind, his lies, manipulation, and cheating are necessary to get what he wants, regardless of the collateral damage. He doesn’t need help seeing what he is doing wrong; he already sees it, but sees no problem whatsoever.
Lies are the main tool of the abusive narcissist. His lying is a tactic to get what he wants or to get out of trouble.
And what exactly is it that he wants? Resources. Resources to cover his basic needs such as a place to live, sex, money, a home from which he can operate. He also has to secure resources to get the things he wants: lots of sex with lots of different women sex (he is, after all, a narcissist!). Typically, these guys have harems of at least three women: one woman to provide the home, foundation, and resources; another woman who offers a backup living situation in case the first one goes bad; and third simply for his insatiable sex drive.
He doesn’t worry about getting caught exploiting you. He is able to lie so smoothly because he has absolutely no fear of getting found out. If his lie is discovered, he blames you for making him lie in the first place.
For the rest of us, normal neuroticism is healthy in that it prevents the healthy person from lying, cheating, and doing harm. We have a sense of right and wrong. Not the abusive narcissist; he lacks this healthy neuroticism that causes stress, shame, and guilt.
Managing your impression of him is of utmost importance because he doesn’t want you to find out what a schmuck he is, which means he will lose his resources. He manages your impression of him through blame, deflection, and anger. What better way to manage your impression of him than to make you believe it is your fault. What appears to be a defense mechanism is actually a power tactic to manipulate you.
How can you avoid these guys? By employing a healthy dose of skepticism. No matter what a new guy says, be skeptical about the truth. Remember that abusive narcissists constantly engage in games of manipulation and impression management. They say things they don’t really believe but hope you believe it. They misrepresent and twist the truth to manipulate you into giving them what they want. And they’ll offer up just enough of a partial truth to make their lie believable.
As a woman, you must understand and accept the fact that not everyone is nice like you; there are millions who lack an active, mature conscience. Lacking a conscience, these men inflict great physical and emotional harm with absolutely no worry, uneasiness, doubt, or feeling. Their goal is to gain power and dominate you so they can operate unencumbered and undiscovered while they cheat on you, sponge off you, exploit your love, and empty your bank account. And if you cannot recognize these guys, you become extremely vulnerable to becoming their next victim.